Today was my annual tune-up and warranty inspection. I made the decision about 20 years ago that my primary care physician should be female. I guess that decision coincided with my becoming aware that an annual prostate exam was in my future. In my mind, if a hand is going to venture into that region of my anatomy it’s going to belong to a member of the opposite sex. I will admit that that attitude is more than a little homophobic, but that’s the way it is. Period!
It also has more than a little to do with the size difference between most
male and female hands. Let’s just say that I want to make sure everything returns to normal after the exam, with as little delay as possible. I just can’t see that happening if my doctor has hands that give him the ability to palm a basketball.
The conversation started out with questions about any concerns or problems I might have been experiencing. I answered that query with, "I really don’t have any problems this time around." Yeah, right. As my doctor inquired about life in general, all of a sudden my six working brain cells kicked in and I started remembering various issues. Such as the fact it takes me 10 minutes to empty my bladder in the morning. That was addressed with a prescription for…get this…Flomax. You can’t tell me pharmaceutical companies don’t have a sense of humor.
At a certain point in the conversation Dr. Rubber Glove gives me a look that says, "Time to cut the crap," and asks if I noticed the scale reading. Oops. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice. Seems I’ve gained about fifteen pounds in the last year. In years past, I wouldn’t be too concerned by that number, but given the fact that I’ve already had gastric bypass surgery that fact is a little troublesome.
It’s especially bothersome to me because I’ve actually been working pretty hard in the gym the past five weeks or so. I’m exercising regularly and working with a trainer. The weight should be rolling off of me…so to speak. Dr. Rubber Glove pointed out that since I had just quit smoking about five months ago, my metabolism probably slowed down. That was not good news. There’s also the issue of replacing fat with muscle. Since muscle weighs more than fat, the weight loss is going to slow for a bit. But eventually, working that extra muscle will result in higher caloric consumption, which is a good thing. Now, if only that scenario becomes fact.
The final part of the physical was the part where she said, "bend over and spread ‘em." It was probably my imagination, but there was a certain amount of glee in her voice when she said that. To say that this is my least favorite part of the exam would be an understatement. They even took four vials of blood and it made less of an impression on me.
But, finally, the exam was complete and my warranty was extended for another 10,000 miles. Of course, we’ll have to wait for the lab reports to be 100% certain. I’m pretty confident, though, that I’m free of major defects.
Yowza..Lee confirms my aversion to any one in the medical field….my motto…if there is a bone sticking out or you can’t stop the bleeding see the doc..any other time avoid them like the plague…..:):):)
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Robert: It’s not a pleasant day, but I go through the annual humiliation of the physical because of family history. If I had my ‘druthers…
Dawn: I was counting on the law of averages in being able to avoid a woman physician with “man hands.”
Kathy: Oh man, I forgot about the part where she chastised me for not having scheduled my tri-annual colonoscopy yet. The bad news there is that my gastroenterologist is male. The good news is that he’s a small man, with small hands. The colonoscopy is made bearable by the fact that they give you versaid, which wipes out short-term memory. In that way, it’s kind of like the pain of child-birth. If human beings could remember either one they wouldn’t repeat the experience, no matter how important for survival!
Did it occur to you that you might get a doctor with large man hands? Did you check out their hand sizes first?
I’m cracking up laughing here! I’m glad to hear that you’re free of major defects
I believe Robert wrote a similar post at some point… I seem to recall something about “bend over and spread ‘em.”!!!
I love the cartoon!
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Ick. Ick. And more ick. I don’t want to get older. I don’t want anyone poking around in any squishy places and I don’t want my first colonoscopy. My poor sister is having one this month. I don’t want to know about it, imagine it, or consider one day that it’ll be me.
Sorry to hear about the minor weight gain. You’re doing all the right things. I’m sure next weigh-in will be more to your liking.
Ick again.
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I am in agreement as per the doctor’s gender. Try being in labor, and every ten minutes a nurse comes to check your dilation. This process is as invasive as it gets, and the little female hands simply cannot reach the cervix without putting extreme pressure on bits that are already quite stressed. Hence a male OB with nice long fingers, tyvm.
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Marie: Funny, isn’t it? You’re a woman who wants a male doctor for those “probing” exams, while I, a male, want a female. It’s all about choosing the right person for the job, I guess.
Linda: All kidding aside, I want to emphasize how important the annual prostate exam is for any male over 40. One of my favorite musicians of all time, Dan Fogelberg, succumbed to prostrate cancer on December 17, 2007. Dan was from my home state of Illinois, which was part of the appeal for me. That, and the fact he was such a great song writer, in my opinion. He could weave a story through his music like few others. Sadly, he died much too young because he neglected this important exam that, as uncomfortable as it is, takes only a few seconds to complete. In his final days he tried to communicate the importance of annual exams whenever possible. He knew it was too late for himself, but hoped to save other men.
I give you a lot of points for having the guts to write about such a probing situation! Most men would probably rather forget about it than write about it
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20 years since a doctor told my dad he had signs of all diseases that could cost him his heart, always looks forward to his annual physical with a real doctor.
Only last summer, a clot was discovered in his abdominal aorta during a regular visit and an operation was performed within a week !
I have a friend who had to visit a proctologist when he was only 20. He had to go through a series of other tests too just to find out he was Lactose Intolerant !
He felt so violated !
From then on we only normally threaten him with a glass of milk.
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Jaffer: Your dad is a great example of why the annual physical is so important. With my dad it was his annual physical that caught lung cancer in the early stages. He’s doing great, which might not have been the case if it hadn’t been caught early.
Lactose intolerance is not fun either. It’s amazing how many things we eat on a regular basis that have lactose in them from milk products or cheese.
One of the reasons I WONT quit smoking is the fear of weight gain.
FloMax? Now that is HYSTERICAL
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Meleah: A little weight gain is trivial compared to the health issues that can plague you if you don’t quit. It’s a tough thing to do, and I’m not free and clear by any stretch of the imagination. But, at least for now, I don’t want to smoke.
As for the FloMax, I would love to be a fly on the wall in the meetings where they come up with these names for the different drugs. Can you imagine what some of the loser names were?