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“Insanity is inherited. You get it from your kids.”
The first time I saw a bumper sticker with this saying on it, I laughed and I laughed and I laughed…because it is so true. We go through parenthood in stages, always hoping that “the hard part” is behind us. The truth is that parenting never actually gets any easier, no matter how old your children are. The concern and the desire to protect them from the pains of life are permanent.
I remember when my oldest came home from the hospital after he was born. Despite my bravado, I was scared to death. I was responsible for this little person, and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Several times a night, I would stop by his crib to make sure that he was still breathing. The first fever sent both his mother and I into a panic that wasn’t quelled until the emergency room doctor assured us that he would be fine. And then there were the crying jags when neither of us had a clue what the problem was.
The journey through early childhood into the teenage years were filled with adventures, arguments, tears and anger…both kids and the parents sharing equally in the emotion du jour…when miscommunication and general growing pains contributed to the emotional stew. I know that when my kids turned thirteen, I became the stupidest person in the world. All of a sudden, Mom and Dad didn’t know anything, after years of being the source of all truth in their world. Taking cues from their friends, it was decided that parents were involved in this huge conspiracy designed to keep their offspring from developing individual personalities.
I will admit, that many times I probably was one of the dumbest people on the planet. But my intentions were good. In my zeal to protect my children, I tried to make most of their decisions for them. That process of trying to protect them interfered with their growth. It’s funny how clear that truth is in hindsight. The bottom line is that I should have given my children permission to fail, and then I should have stood by, ready to help them pick themselves up, identify their mistakes, and then begin to move forward.
By and large, my children learned many of these hard lessons in spite of my mistakes. And the result is that they have built successful lives for themselves. There are fits and starts as they make wrong turns in life. In a couple of cases, the decisions they’ve made have resulted in some pretty scary consequences that resulted in my losing sleep and tears because I was so worried about them. The really tough part for me was staying out of their way while they figured things out. It was only in looking back after a period of time that a couple of them saw that I wasn’t being cruel, I was helping by not helping.
My father told me a long time ago that the older he got, the smarter his father got. At the time I thought he was being pretty corny. But the truth of that statement hit me when I got to be a father myself and had weathered a couple of life’s storms. My hope is that my children come to the same conclusion and some of the things I taught them over the years helps them when they are faced with difficult times. It looks pretty good right now for that to happen…at least for the older ones. I still can’t help but hold my breath at times when the younger kids are working through things.
Like I said, for the most part my children are doing well for themselves. And I am proud of all of their accomplishments. I have a son who is a senior manager for a large corporation, a daughter who is a registered nurse, and another close to graduating from nursing school, and a son who is doing well in the Navy. Even the middle child, who is developmentally challenged, seems to be making progress in conquering some of his demons. But they all still face challenges in life, and they don’t always see things the way I do, or make the decisions that I would have made. Truthfully, that’s not really a bad thing, because I’ve made quite a few wrong turns in my life. But when we don’t see eye to eye on things it’s getting harder and harder on me because at my age, I can’t hold my breath as long. Maybe I should just relax and breathe.
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being a parent is the hardest job ever. I know I have made mistakes and I know I will make many more. I have often been over protective as you mentioned in this post. I think that its normal. Obviously, you did a GREAT JOB raising them and their success is the proof!
Meleah, I hope what I tried to teach them keeps coming through. There are a couple of things going on right now that have gotten my attention, but there’s nothing I can do to push things in the direction I want them to go. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned over the years. I just need to hope for the best and be there to help pick up the pieces if things don’t work out.
I share your style, Lee. And sometimes it makes me look like I don’t care, when in fact it is the exact opposite. I like to give my kids the space and the power to make their own decisions, win or lose. I know they will learn from their experiences and only get stronger, wiser, more capable and self-sufficient. They already are. I also like them to take responsibility for things, including financial. In the not so back of my mind is the idea that I want them to be better at this than I was myself.
I also hope that sooner or later they can see there is love in my hands off attitude. They know I am always available to them for many things, but there are limits to what I can do, and what I am willing to do. I hope they learn to respect that as much as I respect them for the wonderful people they are.
Another GREAT post, bro.
Unfortunately, “my style” came about after my kids were pretty much grown and out on their own. I wish that I knew back then what I know now. I learned so much about parenting after my kids were pretty much grown when I went back to school to get my degree. Sadly, there are no time machines to go back and fix the things I screwed up. My hope and prayer is that I generally did a good job and my kids have the skills they need to cope. It’s just really hard to sit on the sidelines and watch them head down a path that you are pretty sure is going to be painful.
But I agree with you on drawing clear lines between what I can and am willing to do to support them and what I can’t or won’t. There have been times when it would have been easy to get out the checkbook to solve a problem. But it just wasn’t the right thing to do. Lucky for me, wisdom does come with age…even when it’s limited wisdom.
Good advice for all parents today. “Not helping” is the hardest thing in the world, and sometimes the ONLY thing they need.
You’re right, Mimi. And it is hard to do, and the source for many sleepless nights.
While the kid’s were growing up, I think I made too many decisions based on ‘trying NOT to be’ my mom. Live and learn. All in all, I know I did the best I could do. It probably wasn’t right all the time (more often wrong), but I finally decided all I could do was remain as true to myself as possible, do what I thought/think is best and hope and pray.
Parenting is the most difficult, complex job anyone can undertake. And in most cases, the job is filled by inexperienced, untrained novices who have to rely on on-the-job training to muddle through. If only I had taken all those family dynamics and relationships classes before I started a family. On second thought, I probably would have still struggled.
I think it’s just the nature of the job.
“I just need to hope for the best and be there to help pick up the pieces if things don’t work out.”
Truly, THAT RALLY IS ALL YOU CAN DO.
xoxox
I understand what you mean. My three oldest are young adults and it seems like they are going to be scattered all around the world, one in Florida and one in Sweden, one still lives with me until she gets her degree. The youngest one is in her teenagers and I must have a selective memory, because I cannot remember the others being as difficult to handle as she is… but then again, I had three teenagers at once and one baby back then and I guess I was half asleep all the time…