On Thursday, I spent the day with a friend who is going through a really crappy time. I was just supposed to be with him in the morning, but communications about the schedule got messed up and we had to kill about four hours. It was not a lot of fun.
Through a series of poor choices over the course of about four or five years, this friend is dealing with his second arrest for DUI in that time period. He was just barely over the legal limit for alcohol in his system when he was stopped, but he was over the limit. Because this was the second offense in that time period, the penalty is going to be fairly stiff. In all likelihood, he will have probation, loss of driving privileges for 12 months, several weekends in jail and an interlock device on his vehicle for 12 months after he gets his license back.
My friend has three teenage sons who are also doing the kinds of things that adolescents do; namely they are testing limits and making questionable decisions. A good share of our conversation on Thursday surrounded his voicing fears of what was going to happen with the boys. Nothing I said could break through the self-pity and needless anxiety over the unknown that lies ahead for him and his boys.
The other topic that occupied a large portion of our time was my friend’s self-loathing for creating the mess he is in. Basically, he wishes he could go back and have a “do over” so that he could avoid all the embarrassment and anxiety that he’s dealing with now. I told him to wish in one hand and spit in the other and let me know which one filled up first. I know, I know, that doesn’t sound very supportive. But at some point the self-pity has got to end if he’s going to be able to move forward.
As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of factors that make this a really tough situation for my friend to be in. Foremost are business issues that may be difficult to address with the loss of his driver’s license. For one thing, my friend lives in an hour away from where his business is located. That means he will constantly be at the mercy of shuttle busses running on time and his ability to get a ride to meet the shuttle in the first place. Difficult circumstances but not insurmountable.
After several hours of comments from my friend such as “I don’t know if I will survive this,” or “How will I ever get through this?,” or “Have you ever had a friend who was a bigger screw-up?,” I decided it was time to refocus his attention. So, in my typical, less than subtle manner, I said “Do you want to print the invitations to the pity party, or should I?” I spent the next couple of hours trying to get him to see what a major waste of energy his current mood was.
I guess I’m at a point in my life where I’m really aware of how little is directly in my control. Actually, if I’m honest, the thing I learned when I got sober was that I needed to turn control of my life over to someone who wouldn’t muck it up worse than it was…namely relying on my understanding of God to get me through. To lament the huge number of things that I have no control over takes energy that I’m not willing to expend. And I’m not overly fond of being miserable, so I try to take steps to be “un-miserable.” I’m not an expert yet, but I think I’m moving in the right direction.
In my friend’s case, the first thing I would do is make sure that I don’t put myself in the position of getting arrested for DUI ever again. That means, STOP DRINKING! At least don’t drink and get behind the wheel…any amount! He was only .01 percent over the legal limit in North Carolina. In other words, he wasn’t drunk, but he was under the influence.
I would then take whatever steps I needed to take to improve my outlook on life. Sometimes it takes professional help to do that. There is no shame in seeking whatever help you need to get your head screwed back on straight. I think he’s dealing with moderate depression, complicated by continued alcohol use, and that can be hard to break through.
Finally, I would start concentrating on the areas of my life that I’m grateful for. In my friend’s case, he has three boys who are growing into responsible, intelligent young men, who have bright futures. He also has the means to support himself, and a farm that he inherited from his father where he can live if things go completely down the toilet in his business. In comparison to what a lot of people deal with on a daily basis, my friend is wealthy beyond measure.
Another friend said something today that really struck a chord with me. He said that although there were a lot of things in his past that he wished he had done differently, he knows he can’t take that back. And despite the fact there are some things in his future which could be a pain in the butt to deal with, those unrealized events are also out of his control. So worrying about them is a waste of energy. He said, and I quote, “I could stand with one foot in the past, feeling remorse and regret for what was. At the same time, I could stand with the other foot in the future, fearful and full of anguish over what might be. That leaves me pi$$ing on today. And that would be a terrible waste.” I know it’s a little crude, but it says a lot.
I will do everything I can to help my friend deal with the situation he is in. Sometimes, all I will be able to do is give him a listening ear. Sometimes, the best thing for him will be a swift kick in the seat of the pants. But I hope he gets the message that the best way to take care of his problem is to face it one day at a time, taking care of things that are in his control and letting go of the rest.
There is a lot to be said for the prayer of St. Francis in this situation:
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
COURAGE to change the things I can,
And WISDOM to know the difference.”
Perhaps rather than throwing himself a big ole’ pity party your friend could rejoice over the fact that even though he has been arrested twice for DUI that God hasn’t allowed him to maim or kill an innocent person prior to getting pulled over by the police. I’m sorry but drinking and driving is one of my all-time biggest peeves as it always seems to be the innocent person who dies while the drunk driver walks away virtually unscathed.
If he doesn’t want to think about himself, tell him to think about the other people that he shares the world with. If he thinks he’s kicking himself in the a$$ now, how does he think he’d feel if he killed someone? Now that’s something that I’m sure he couldn’t get over or live with!
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Linda: Part of the reason for his depression and self-pity is remorse over the stupid choice to drive. Unfortunately, the effect of alcohol on a lot of people is to limit the ability to make correct choices. As I mentioned in the post, his blood alcohol level was just slightly over the legal limit. In fact, up until eight years ago, it was below the legal limit. He shouldn’t have been driving, and he knows that. The important thing is that his current thinking process and self-loathing are not helpful for moving forward.
Drowsey: You are exactly right. He is not at the point where he’s ready to make necessary changes in his life. But, I would not be helpful if I bought into the pity party. I need to keep pointing out his strengths until he’s able to see them himself. And listening so that he has a sounding board that is his friend, unconditionally.
Jaffer: I hope you are correct. The one thing that my friend does not have is a strong faith in God. He believes there is a God, but does not have the active faith to place his trust there.
OlgaTTB: Thanks, Olga. I got a note from him on Friday that let me know that some of what I said is starting to sink in. That’s a good sign. I hope that he is beginning to look forward more than he is looking back.
Dawn: It’s too bad that he didn’t learn more from the first time around, I agree. And that’s while the penalties are progressively more severe. I think when he’s had enough he’ll stop doing the same things over and over and expect different results. That’s the definition of insanity, by the way.
Sounds like your friends feelings are justified, given his circumstances. Often people feel helpless, or what others would describe as pity, because their life sucks and it’s an appropriate response, regardless of how they got into that situation. Often it’s depression that makes people feel this way and react badly and make stupid choices in their lives.
I hope your friend will be okay. Eventually the only way that will happen is when he takes control of his life, but it sounds like he’s not in that place just yet. I’ve been there, sometimes we remain there for a long time before we can move ourselves out of it.
Not everyone works on the same time table. It may take him longer than you think to make healthy changes.
Listening is one of the best things a friend can do. Good for you.
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The depression he’s going through will soon pass. Just tell him not to give up and remind him how much he’s got to live for.
2008 has been hard on me but I don’t let it go to my head because I know that after Night, no matter how long it may be, there’s always Day. And I’m rather looking forward to day.
Most importantly, I know that I am not alone because God is with me and He’s only a prayer away.
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Lee, your friend is very lucky to have you & your sage advice. I’ve beat myself up over stoooopid mistakes in the past too…but it’s pointless…you have to take action to change your behavior so you don’t keep repeating it. I always liked this saying too: “If you keep on eye focused on the past & the other focused on the future, then you go through life cockeyed.” One day at a one…that’s enough for anyone to deal with!
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Obviously I meant “ONE eye focused on the past….”
OlgaTTBs last blog post..Partyin’ Like it’s 1979 – Manchester/England
If it was his first arrest I’d probably be more sympathetic with the self pity and anxiety. But the second time? Not so sure… he needs to face what he’s done and work towards a solution. He’s lucky to have you for a friend Lee.
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You have done your friend a great service whether he realizes it or not by not buying into the pity part he’s thrown himself. I hope he snaps out of is soon. His problems are not insurmountable YET.
Keep up the good work!
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Margaret: Thank you. I have a background in counseling which helps a little bit. Based on an e-mail I got from him Friday, there are indications that he is starting to move out of the self-pity.
You said your friend wished he could have a do-over. I hear that from my 13 yr old son all the time. Too much electronic gaming I always figured. I’m trying to help him learn to THINK AHEAD instead of often looking back at the mistakes and wishing he could undo them.
Not sure though, he’s such a worrier that he may just be paralyzed into total inaction. At least he’s young and there’s still plenty of learning time before he gets into a situation like your friend’s.
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TLMinut: Thanks for visiting Tarheel Ramblings and leaving a comment. The difference between your son and my friend is definitely the age. My friend is in his 50s, so he should have the benefit of life experience. But that’s not helping right now. Hopefully, he’s on his way to making some good changes in his life.