On Thursday, I spent the day with a friend who is going through a really crappy time. I was just supposed to be with him in the morning, but communications about the schedule got messed up and we had to kill about four hours. It was not a lot of fun.
Through a series of poor choices over the course of about four or five years, this friend is dealing with his second arrest for DUI in that time period. He was just barely over the legal limit for alcohol in his system when he was stopped, but he was over the limit. Because this was the second offense in that time period, the penalty is going to be fairly stiff. In all likelihood, he will have probation, loss of driving privileges for 12 months, several weekends in jail and an interlock device on his vehicle for 12 months after he gets his license back.
My friend has three teenage sons who are also doing the kinds of things that adolescents do; namely they are testing limits and making questionable decisions. A good share of our conversation on Thursday surrounded his voicing fears of what was going to happen with the boys. Nothing I said could break through the self-pity and needless anxiety over the unknown that lies ahead for him and his boys.
The other topic that occupied a large portion of our time was my friend’s self-loathing for creating the mess he is in. Basically, he wishes he could go back and have a “do over” so that he could avoid all the embarrassment and anxiety that he’s dealing with now. I told him to wish in one hand and spit in the other and let me know which one filled up first. I know, I know, that doesn’t sound very supportive. But at some point the self-pity has got to end if he’s going to be able to move forward.
As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of factors that make this a really tough situation for my friend to be in. Foremost are business issues that may be difficult to address with the loss of his driver’s license. For one thing, my friend lives in an hour away from where his business is located. That means he will constantly be at the mercy of shuttle busses running on time and his ability to get a ride to meet the shuttle in the first place. Difficult circumstances but not insurmountable.
After several hours of comments from my friend such as “I don’t know if I will survive this,” or “How will I ever get through this?,” or “Have you ever had a friend who was a bigger screw-up?,” I decided it was time to refocus his attention. So, in my typical, less than subtle manner, I said “Do you want to print the invitations to the pity party, or should I?” I spent the next couple of hours trying to get him to see what a major waste of energy his current mood was.
I guess I’m at a point in my life where I’m really aware of how little is directly in my control. Actually, if I’m honest, the thing I learned when I got sober was that I needed to turn control of my life over to someone who wouldn’t muck it up worse than it was…namely relying on my understanding of God to get me through. To lament the huge number of things that I have no control over takes energy that I’m not willing to expend. And I’m not overly fond of being miserable, so I try to take steps to be “un-miserable.” I’m not an expert yet, but I think I’m moving in the right direction.
In my friend’s case, the first thing I would do is make sure that I don’t put myself in the position of getting arrested for DUI ever again. That means, STOP DRINKING! At least don’t drink and get behind the wheel…any amount! He was only .01 percent over the legal limit in North Carolina. In other words, he wasn’t drunk, but he was under the influence.
I would then take whatever steps I needed to take to improve my outlook on life. Sometimes it takes professional help to do that. There is no shame in seeking whatever help you need to get your head screwed back on straight. I think he’s dealing with moderate depression, complicated by continued alcohol use, and that can be hard to break through.
Finally, I would start concentrating on the areas of my life that I’m grateful for. In my friend’s case, he has three boys who are growing into responsible, intelligent young men, who have bright futures. He also has the means to support himself, and a farm that he inherited from his father where he can live if things go completely down the toilet in his business. In comparison to what a lot of people deal with on a daily basis, my friend is wealthy beyond measure.
Another friend said something today that really struck a chord with me. He said that although there were a lot of things in his past that he wished he had done differently, he knows he can’t take that back. And despite the fact there are some things in his future which could be a pain in the butt to deal with, those unrealized events are also out of his control. So worrying about them is a waste of energy. He said, and I quote, “I could stand with one foot in the past, feeling remorse and regret for what was. At the same time, I could stand with the other foot in the future, fearful and full of anguish over what might be. That leaves me pi$$ing on today. And that would be a terrible waste.” I know it’s a little crude, but it says a lot.
I will do everything I can to help my friend deal with the situation he is in. Sometimes, all I will be able to do is give him a listening ear. Sometimes, the best thing for him will be a swift kick in the seat of the pants. But I hope he gets the message that the best way to take care of his problem is to face it one day at a time, taking care of things that are in his control and letting go of the rest.
There is a lot to be said for the prayer of St. Francis in this situation:
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
COURAGE to change the things I can,
And WISDOM to know the difference.”
